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Quote o' the Day

It started as me putting quotes from stand-up comedians in my AIM profile. It expanded to me just quoting everything my friends and family said that was funny. This is a compilation of all the quotes I can actually remember.
They are in no particular order; I add them as I recall them.

Warning: This page contains some very coarse and suggestive language.

Jon: October. Brisk. Slight chance of leaves and shit.
Breon: I'll have to remember my anti-leaves umbrella.
Breon: Perhaps I should prioritize my anti-shit waders?

Me: Any dress code at the bachelor party or is it casual?
Jon: It's an Irish pub. Dress like you're getting hammered.
Breon: Let me dust off my nail costume.

"Finding anything in my size at Goodwill is harder than accidentally fucking my way through a marble pillar, lube not included." - Breon

"As soon as you said, 'ovipositor', I thought to myself, 'Aw shit, it's gonna be one of those nights.'" - Breon

JoJo: I actually don't mind tooth drilling as much as I mind a clumsy nurse spraying water all over my face and neck -_-
JoJo: like "hey, the tooth is in here, I dunno if you got that memo, in nurse school"
JoJo: "there's no toothpaste on my neck I am pretty sure"
MillerTheBeast: I would rather have my face and neck sprayed all day than get drilled OH GOD I REALIZED HOW DIRTY THAT IS MIDWAY THOUGH TYPING WHY DID I KEEP GOING?

"Were you abquackted?" - Pogy

"What movie doesn't have Nic Cage losing his shit?" - Stephen

"Jimmy has four apples. He lets Susie eat one of them. Calculate the mass of the sun." - M. Miller

"I know this horror movie will be good, because it has 'Hell' in the title. Twice." - Daddy

flyingjellybean2 has left the room.
flyingjellybean2 has entered the room.
flyingjellybean2: sorry, I'm eating a sandwhich and my cat is trying to eat it as well.
flyingjellybean2: uiiiiiiiii
flyingjellybean2 has left the room.
flyingjellybean2 has entered the room.
flyingjellybean2: DAMN CAT TURNED OFF MY WI FI
flyingjellybean2: ...and turned on my caps lock...

Pip: I went in to donate my blood today and the people at redcross informed me I have donated 10 gallons of blood O_O
Razi: AT ONCE!?
Gold: They gave her a handgun and a bucket.

Ian: I just now noticed you have a goatee.
Breon: I have known you for how many years and never noticed something growing out of my face?
Ian: I mean, I may have, I don't know...
Breon: Growing out of my face.

"In hindsight, anything is better than fucking knives." - Breon

Me: Somehow the holidays surprised the people that make the class schedules here, like they do every year. So like usual I have to continue school during break.
Andrew: "Wait, Americas birthday is on the 4th of July?! I thought America said 'fuck it, I don't need a birthday!'"
Andrew: "Wait, Labor Day is still around? I thought we killed all those commie unionists! Well, that just fucks up this schedule."
Me: Basically.
Me: I'm not sure how it happens
Andrew: I would feel weary about going to an institution who don't understand the basic concepts of federal mandated holidays

Wes: have you seen my alcohol list, dox?
Dox: I've heard of it.
Wes: [Sulfuron Slammer]x30, [Darkbrew Lager]x9 [Plugger's Blackrock Ale]x10 , [Flask of Bitter Cactus Cider], [Bottle of Dalaran White]
Dox: I'm assuming it's like that time Chet sent me 20 letters all full of 20 stacks of bourbon
Dox: *open mail box; BOOZE EVERYWHERE like a humorous cartoon closet*
Adayahi: I have a ton of booze on Kaeren right now and four full stacks of cupcakes. I'm PREPARED for parties.
Dox: On Dox I have: about... 3 outfits, tabards, a cool mace I wish I had a roleplay reason to use, buncha knives, part of his disguise kit, enough poison to kill a herd of elekk, lunch, booze, and juggling torches.
Wes: Hmm alla that booze, bandages, lots of clothes, flowers, a fetch ball, weapons
Wes: several letters
Wes: a leash
Wes: Pie
Wes: [Goblin Gentleman's Magazine]

MochaKimono: I whipped up a gnome sorcerer/monk and everything.
outrunthemoon13: I've been building rogue/fighters
MochaKimono: My sormonk will be fun if I ever play her.
outrunthemoon13: Does that portmanteau actually beat monkerer?
MochaKimono: And you're a frogue, right?
outrunthemoon13: Yes, because "roighter" sucks.

stareosarus: I am a certified butt doctor

Tyler: "Galaga" sounds like Christopher Walken trying to say "Gallagher".

Gold: You make a convincing man.
Abi: Just what every girl wants to hear!

"NASCAR is the easiest sport to get out of, just make a right turn." - M. Miller

mochakimono: I heard a potentially urban legend about a director who told a child actor his dog died just before a dramatic scene, to make it more authentic.
outrunthemoon13: Damn, that's cold.
outrunthemoon13: But I'd have shot the dog in front of the kid.

Stranger: Hey there, male sex slave looking for an online female Mistress. If you're not interested, we can still chat.
Breon: You might consider leading in with a "Hello, care to converse for a while before I tell you about my fetish?"
Stranger: What would be the point of that?

[start of conversation]
Stranger: asl?
Breon: JESUS
[end of conversation]

Stranger: hi
Breon: Hello.
Stranger: how r u
Breon: I'm fine, you?
Stranger: im good
Stranger: whats ur name?
Breon: Why would I give you my name, on an anonymous chat site?
Breon: I mean, seriously.
Breon: That completely defeats the purpose of it being anonymous.
Stranger: yea cuz ur first name will definately give me ur identity so i can stalk u lol fuckin weirdo u prolly watch alot of dateline nbc dont u
[[Your conversational partner has disconnected.]]

Me: I wonder if a Hemi is named for the sound it makes.
Daddy: No, I think it's named for the hemispherical combustion chamber.
Me: Oh...
Daddy: Sorry.

"But my thinking cap isn't as cool as my viking hat!" - Heather

Ragnarok954: got a 2 liter of cola and a 48 count of Pizza rolls for $2.36. if I eat them all now, I won't be able to eat for the next 12 hours. SOOOOO I think I should
mochakimono: maybe you should stretch them out a little
Ragnarok954: like half now and half in 10 minutes?
mochakimono: ...sure.

Mr. Romero: The AI is only as smart as the programmer who made it.
Jesse: Travis' AI must be REALLY easy to beat then!

Breon: Surnames are easily clobbered together by using the traditional Dwarfish noun-verb method, especially for the Norse. Andor Sealstomper, Andor Beerfucker, Andor Meadpisser, Andor Bearpuncher, Andor Axelicker. You know.
Breon: "This is Elfbitch Hairdresser, my ambiguously gay Norse-like Barbarian."
Me: I'm curious how his ancestors got the... that second name there... I don't think I want to know what they were caught doing to the kegs.
Breon: "The ice is so cold, baby...but the beer, it's so warm...almost FUCKABLY so..."
Connor: I'll stick with Andor Haarstad.

Scott: Hey, let's do an Irish drinking song!
All: Ohhh aye-dee-aye-dee aye-dee-aye-dee aye-dee-aye-dee oh!
Breon: After D&D, we're driving home --
Connor: -- I killed a bunch of guards!
Michelle: I have no idea what to sing!
Me: -- and he also cut off their arms!
Scott: It's Friday night, I'm driving home, I don't know what to do --
Breon: Hey, that was two lines!
Scott: Yeah well FUCK YOU!
All: Ohhh aye-dee-aye-dee aye-dee-aye-dee aye-dee-aye-dee oh!

Jon: I almost got mugged today. I was on my bike, and this guy popped out and tried to run me down on foot. Of course I simply went faster.
Breon: And this is why you never send infantry against cavalry.

"The only reason I don't think automation will completely replace librarians is because our patrons are so damn stupid, a computer can't handle them." - Jeff

Breon: I rolled a 9.
Stephen: I rolled a 4.
Aaron: I rolled a rock.

Aaron: I know why Edward Scissorhands is so depressed. He can't masturbate!
Breon: Or hold or touch a woman.
Aaron: Who cares? He can't masturbate! Although he could be all, "You like that baby? I know you don't but I don't care."
Breon: "I call it the hysterectomy special!"

Daddy: Is this coffee still hot?
Me: Hot-ish.
Daddy: There's a word for that. It's called warm.

(Reading fortune cookies fortunes and adding 'in bed' to the end)
Mommy: The smart thing is to prepare for the unexpected... in bed.
Daddy: Now is the time to try something new... in bed.
Mommy: That must be the unexpected thing I should prepare for.

"Turns out it's really really hard to poop during extreme turbulence. (Worst flight ever)" - Colin

Connor: I am the king of dance!
Breon: I think you should abdicate the crown, because there's going to be a revolution.
Me: Do I smell a dance-off?
Breon: No, like the French Revolution, where everybody gets their heads cut off.

"I spailed my fot check. Er, wait..." - Scott

B. Miller: There are physics teachers who don't grade the quizzes on a curve? How does anyone pass?!

B. Miller: Does anyone know the gravity on the moon in relation to the gravity on Earth?
All students, at once: Less.
B. Miller: How much less?
All students, at once: A lot less.

B. Miller: Does anyone know how you add two vectors together?
Student: With a plus sign!

"Men In Black is not a documentary." - B. Miller

Mr. Wirth: The answer has to be greater than sixteen.
Betsey: Ten?

Mel: Man, I'm still a little high on Prozac.
Betsey: I'm just coming down off of mine.
Me: I'm kind of baked on painkillers right now.
Mr. Wirth: Good God.

Mr. Wirth: Does any of you know what a chamfer is?
Betsey: Oh! I know! It's a round fillet.
Me: A fillet is a round fillet.
Mr. Wirth: A fillet is a round chamfer.
Mel: A chamfer is a square fillet.
Larry: Fillet is what you do with a fish.
Betsey: Fillet is what you do when your glass is empty.

Me: I love to hike.
Betsey: I haven't done any hiking up since I used to wear a skirt.

"Man, by the time I was old enough to drink, I'd already quit drinkin'." - Mel

(When in class learning about screw/bolt terms.)
Betsey: Well, you can always just screw around with it.
Me: Or just pitch it all out the window.
Betsey: Or just take it and bolt.
Mel: You, with the puns!
Betsey: I'm a nut, aren't I?
Me: Of coarse.

Curt: I was waff-OWND.
Me: rofl iron
Heather: Oh God, the puns. They hurt my soul.

Me: So you want to attend a Japanese sword-fighting school?
Classmate: In CANADA!

"So do you know what I'm gunna be for Halloween? An angry Negro who wants some damn candy!" - Charles

"So have you heard about that monkey that attacked that woman? It took her face right off! And you know what that means? Monkeys are smart now. They're getting people masks. And what are they going to do with their people masks? They're going to go rob banks, and then go spend it all. So the next time you're at Kroger, you'll be all, 'Hey, what happened to all the bananas?' and they'll say, 'A really hairy little woman bought them all'." - Teacher

"So last week when one of my students was absent, I had to call him up, it's protocol. So I call his number and a woman answers. So I say, 'Can I speak to so-and-so?' And she says, 'Who the hell are you?!' So I say, 'Who the hell are you?' She says, 'I'm his girl!' So I say, 'Well, I'm his other girl, and he's fucking paying me!' So she finally hands the phone off to him and I say to him, 'Is that your girlfriend? You need a new one, because she's got ISSUES.'" - JB

"So I take my daughter to Wal-Mart to buy her a new iPod, and it turns out that Wal-Mart is now the place where kids hang out these days. They don't go to the mall anymore, they just hang out in Wal-Mart. Anyway, we're there, and her first boyfriend is there, and I don't recognize the little meh, so I'm just going about my business when my daugher goes, 'Psst! Harrison's behind you!' And I say, 'You mean the meh who broke up with you on MySpace?' That's right, he sent her a note on MySpace just saying, 'I'm breaking up with you'. So anyway I turn and look at him and my daughter immediately jumps to some conclusion that I'm going to say something shitty to him. Why she would assume that, I have no idea!" - JB

Wesley: Did you like my "all of the above" answer?
JB: Yeah... It was wrong.
Wesley: One of them was right!
JB: One of the four answers was right. Not all of them.
Wesley: I'm sorry...I was kinda high when I did it...uh, on painkillers.
JB: Mm-hm.
(Note: There is no "all of the above" answer on any of our tests.)

"I wouldn't trust either my daughter or my mother to use a computer." - JB

Woman: I left him two messages.
Student: With what? Telepathy?
Woman: I used the number he gave me!
Student: Well, he don't have no phone!
Woman: ... *Leaves*

Teacher 1: So how did the test go?
Teacher 2: Pretty bad. I accidentally printed out the answer sheet instead of the test. So that was awesome.

JB: *Hands a student his graded homework.*
Student: *Looks at it* What?!
JB: That was my first reaction, too.

"Do you know why I always pick on poor Billy over there? Well this ain't his first time in my class, and you never heard what he said about batteries last time through. So I was giving a lecture on various types of batteries when I asked the class if they could name a common use for Triple-As. And do you know what Billy says? He pipes up and he says, 'A DATE!'" - JB

"We're going to play a game today. Have you ever played Hangman back in grade school? Well that's what we're going to play, except we can't call it Hangman because that's 'unethical', so we could just call it Man but that's 'sexist', so we have to call it Human. So are you all ready to play a game of Human today?" - JB

"So this guy has no arms, right?" - some guy in my class

"I guess that means we'll have to put a stop to the Midget jokes." - some other guy in my class (not related to the above quote)

Me: Can I have the key to the white paper towel dispenser?
Amit: Did you just say 'white people dispenser'?
Me: ... Yes. Yes I did. We have a machine now that dispenses white people.
Amit: Well that explains why business has been so good today.

"My mom handed me a drink a minute ago with pomegranate juice and Sprite. Then she says, "I'll go put some vodka in it." I was like, "Ok sure". Then she says, "Yeah, I put some in your drink last night too but it didn't do your coughing any good." I was like, O.O 'omg, my mother is that person at parties she warned me about!'" - Katie

Kelvin: I really stumbled over that surprise quiz today!
Mommy: That wasn't a surprise quiz.
Kelvin: Well, it sure surprised me!

peerauthor: ... Actually, it's been really quiet around town. And quiet in this chatroom. ... Too quiet. I may have to start singing again.
PyramidHeadsbff: WHAT IS LOVE?
peerauthor: DON'T HURT ME
peerauthor: *head bobs*
MochaKimono: *also head bobs*
PyramidHeadsbff: *triple headbob*
flyingjellybean2: errrrrrr
peerauthor: That's what you get for not conversating.

Squirrel 4 9 2: I was eating tacos *wink!*
peerauthor: Well, that's a pretty damn good excuse. I can't really fault you for that. Very well, you're forgiven.
MochaKimono: I was eating Pop Tarts. wink?
peerauthor: Try again. I was eating...a banana. *le wink*
MochaKimono: Also, you were eating sushi. That's a dirty one too.
peerauthor: What? It is? I didn't know that.
MochaKimono: Sushi is sort of a lesser-used euphemism for vag.
Squirrel 4 9 2: I think that's a bad word for vag.
peerauthor: Oh god, ew.
Squirrel 4 9 2: Raw fish...and vagina...shouldn't be used together.
peerauthor: That's totally what I was thinking. Especially the ones that I had- Oh wait, crap, I had "playboy rolls".
MochaKimono: XD!!!
peerauthor: I KID YOU NOT.
Squirrel 4 9 2: XD
MochaKimono: You win.

Squirrel 4 9 2: Bah, I have two Park Places now. I want the OTHER blue one so I can win a million dollars!
stareosarus: You eat too much fast food.
Squirrel 4 9 2: I'm a fast kinda guy?
stareosarus: You're a fast guy? tee hee hee most men won't admit that
Squirrel 4 9 2: WAIT NO

"I don't even like my marshmallows warm. I like 'em just the way God made 'em; fresh outta the bag." - Jula

Mommy: There's our usual waitress. I didn't recognize her at first because she has her hair in a tight bun.
Daddy: [Suggestively] I like tight buns.

John: So I was talking to the other John...
Jeff: Which one?
John: Asshole John.
Jeff: Oh really? I thought you were Asshole John.

"Superman being allergic to Kryptonite makes no sense. It's the rock that his home planet is made of! That's like if a human said, 'I'm allergic to dirt'." - Caleb

Willy: My name's Willy. As in...'Free'.
Some other guy: You really couldn't think of any other references?

Curt: mcdonalds makes me poop
[A moment later as I show Heather the quote.]
stareosarus: I could have lived without knowing that
MochaKimono: I just love how casually he said it. We were not talking about McDonald's or poop or food at all. It was just ...
stareosarus: He's done that to me on the phone before

"Where'd you learn all of these arts of fuckery and whatnot?" - Colby

MochaKimono: I also didn't eat today, I just had chocolate milk and coffee, and that's not helping at all.
stareosarus: Probably not.
stareosarus: Go eat, silly bunny
MochaKimono: but the food's so faaar
MochaKimono: it's like, all the way across the room!
MochaKimono: I'd have to push against the table really hard to roll my chair over there.
stareosarus: How would you ever survive in the wilderness?
MochaKimono: I don't know
MochaKimono: I'd eat my clothes

six30two: By the way, watching gay porn of the opposite sex WILL make you gay.
six30two: It's been proven.
stareosarus: You've watched so much lesbian porn you crave the cock now?

"They were a bunch of women in dresses, they couldn't run that fast." - Heather

"I spent the last eight hours since you told me that masturbating to pictures of you." - Colby

"I drinking been. amd i want you to know that your ra dinosooar. rawrzinstein! youvesa been dirnking? weelltws the partys alreadfsy startared" - 'Sorroto', on WoW

stareosarus: Ever play the penis game? It's fun!
MochaKimono: ...what is it?
stareosarus: You see who can yell penis the loudest in public
invisiblel0ser: yeah I remember that
MochaKimono: What if someone messes up and says vagina?
stareosarus: Strangely enough, we got in trouble for that quite a few times in my Catholic high school. The teachers just weren't very amused.

stareosarus: Your face is a failcake

stareosarus: Then take off all your clothing?
devin something: Can't?
stareosarus: Then stop bitching?
devin something: NO.

devin something: He left to go do a job.
devin something: And managed to get himself stranded in the wilderness.
devin something: And died.
stareosarus: Nice.

Squirrel 4 9 2: "No, really...You cook better then the maids, and are a lot less creepy."
stareosarus: (Oh yes baby, sweet talk me like that)
MochaKimono: (("Hey babe. I don't find you creepy. *Wink*" "No one's ever said that to me before~!"))
stareosarus: (No no, I don't find you that creepy)
MochaKimono: ((I just noticed, that is pretty much how it is. "LESS creepy". You retain marginal creepiness not on par with the maids))
Squirrel 4 9 2: (Oh hush you two)
stareosarus: (>3 we have to heckle. I'm Statler, she's Waldorf.)
MochaKimono: ((I was JUST about to reference them! And say, "Now we turn towards each other and laugh gleefully in the balcony!"))
stareosarus: (AAAAHAHAHAHAH)
MochaKimono: ((AAHAHAHAHAHA))

Squirrel 4 9 2: I think we should ban female role-players from playing sexually active males.
Squirrel 4 9 2: They know how to make them so too damn hot and perfect, real guys playing guys can't get close!
MochaKimono: Then nobody would get laid!
Squirrel 4 9 2: Well Sonny isn't doing too bad
MochaKimono: Again: that's with Miranda
MochaKimono: Without HER, nobody would get laid.

stareosarus: I want to be in a yaoi movie! Except I have girl bits still. And nothing goes in the pooper.
stareosarus: ...I just want sex.

stareosarus: Canadians have beer to take the edge off their sorrow for being Canadian.
meaningofbirth: Canadians are fucking awesome.
stareosarus: Canadians fuck awesome?
MochaKimono: Yes, Awesome bends over and takes it from the Canadians.

stareosarus: I can only imagine how much worse it would be with elephant poop

MochaKimono: One night, I'm about to go to bed...alone...
stareosarus: Ooh, I like where this is going
MochaKimono: And suddenly a CENTIPEDE crawls out of my bed!
stareosarus: pkl;l;kjfsdklfasdhgsa DAMMIT

stareosarus: Granted it was only like $40 when they built the house, so it was easy to pay it off
MochaKimono: ...$40 to build a house?
stareosarus: Well, $40k
MochaKimono: Oh, okay. I was like, what the heck did they build it with, construction paper and cotton?
stareosarus: That's why Florida has so much damage during hurricanes! Our building codes are not up to standard with the rest of the country, but damn our homes are cheap.

MochaKimono: Hmmm...I want to direct a porn using as many items from Stuff White People Like as possible. "Let me set the mood music baby...on my iPod." And it's some indie band.
stareosarus: With an Asian girl.
MochaKimono: And he eats sushi and foreign chocolates out of her navel. After they got drunk on wine, or at a microbrewery.
stareosarus: It takes place on a rugby field...After setting it up that they've been doing outdoor hiking and biking and such things all day.
MochaKimono: In the UK, right? As part of their studies abroad for the art college they attend.
stareosarus: No, only talking about the UK ironically.
MochaKimono: Ah, okay.
stareosarus: They drove their Toyota Prius around all day making fun of the "wrong" kind of white people, in their shorts and their vintage Goodwill t-shirts.
MochaKimono: Also there's French subtitles because I'm totally going to show it at an indie movie festival. Or maybe it should be IN French, with English subtitles?
stareosarus: They switch between English and French! Because their parents brought them up to be multilingual.
stareosarus: After a night of love making, they retreat to a bed and breakfast to eat tofu scrambles. Oh! And they have to read the New York Times and fight over the NYT Magazine.
MochaKimono: Yes! The loser resigns himself to Dostoyevsky. And half their furniture is vintage and the other half is exclusively bought from a pretentious European designer.
stareosarus: And the last few pieces are Ikea.
MochaKimono: Yes XD
stareosarus: will be the most awesome porn ever and I want to be involved.
MochaKimono: I won't call it 'porn'.
stareosarus: It's 'erotica', right?
MochaKimono: I'll call it 'a tasteful showcasing and expression of art using the human body'.
stareosarus: Oh man, that's so pretentious!

"You know how medicines have these severe, freaky side-effects that only affect like 1% of the people who take them? Well, I'm that 1%. I'm ALWAYS that 1%. I can't take anything!" - Rob

Devin: I'm going to the zoo in hour.
Heather: Wow, you get let out of your cage pretty early. Nice of your keepers.
Devin: ...

MochaKimono: schmeckle means penis, doesn't it?
stareosarus: *little* penis
MochaKimono: haha
stareosarus: Jordan's mom used to call him schmeckle-brains as a nick name
stareosarus: One say I asked him, "What's a schmeckle?"
stareosarus: and he told me
stareosarus: and I asked "But why does your mom call you schmeckle-brains?" he gave me the most confused look ever and went "She calls me what?!?!?!"

stareosarus: I'm hungry, do I go make nachos or a sandwich?
CaptainJula: Nachos.
invisiblel0ser: SAMMICH!
CaptainJula: Oh, just have a sammich.
MochaKimono: Sammich.
stareosarus: And now to rebel against what people tell me to do! Going to make nachos, brb.

Daddy: Do you even pay attention to the words that come out of your mouth?!
Mommy: Nope.
Daddy: You have the gift of gab. You can talk about things while you're not even thinking about them. I'm just the opposite, I have to consider every word before I say it.
Mommy: Joelle's the same way.
Daddy: No, she's worse.
Me: Hey! ... I'm going to think of a great come-back to that in week.
(I never did.)

"AIM role-playing is just playing with action figures, only using letters." - Chris

"I may not have a gaydar, but it just went off." - Daddy

Me: If the man's invisible, how can you tell he's specifically cosmic?
Evan: Trust me, when you get to be my age, you learn these sorts of things.

Me: *Talking to some people I just met*
(A guy ten years older than me walks up): 7 o'clock, and wear that little red number. *Winks and walks off.*
Me: I swear I do not know him.
Other people: It's okay. We do.

"I've hated math since I learned addition." - Andrea

"I wonder how different the world would be if the Fruit of Knowledge of Good and Evil had been a coconut." - Jeff (a different one)

Mommy: We didn't have a Domino's Pizza where I lived as a kid.
Daddy: That's right, I forgot that you grew up on the moon.

Customer: How much does [some game] cost?
Me: [Price].
Customer: Can I buy it?
Me: No. You can't buy things here. We're not that kind of store.
Jeff: This is a game museum.
(This happened remarkably often...and they always believed us...)

"If a hobbit got high, how much would he eat then?" - Andrew

Daddy: Do you mind if I just wait out here in the car?
Mommy: Not at all.
Me: Do you mind if I do?
Mommy: Nope.
Daddy: I sorta do.

Justin: *sigh* I'm so lonely. I've never even had a girlfriend...
Matt: Hey guys, whatcha talking about?
Justin: Oh, I was just telling Joelle about all the hot chicks I've dated.
Matt: Uh...okay. *Awkward silence*
Me: And YO MAMA!
Justin: What-?!
Matt: *Shrug* Hey, if you wanna climb that mountain...plant your flag...whatever floats your boat...

"I'm historically racist. I hate Germans from the '40s." - Bill

"I would've stabbed him a third time, but by then I would've just felt like a dick." - Romen

Me: What is this? A wallet? Is it like a little cloth tissue-box?
Justin: It looks like a pillow for someone with a really tiny head.

Keith (another one): The word is 'Clumsy: Uncoordinated, Bumbling, Awkward'. Okay, let's review the cards...what the...My Body?! Who put that down?! You bitch!

"I've realized that the majority of people don't know shit." - Daddy

"Breast milk? Alright! I'll go out and buy a six-pack!" - Daddy

MochaKimono: To your knowledge, where/how were you conceived?
A: My parents are the same gender...
B: Magic.
C: In a vet's/doctor's/dentist's office.
D: Under the light of a full moon.
E: I don't know.
K0rubi: C
MochaKimono: ...o.o
K0rubi: oh
K0rubi: WAIT
MochaKimono: "I'm going to have to give you a...full physical..."
bow chicka bow wow
K0rubi: WAIT
K0rubi: conceived
MochaKimono: not delivered
K0rubi: I was concieved...
K0rubi: good God
K0rubi: E
K0rubi: I don't WANT to.

Dominic: You know how they say that if you find a heads-up penny, you'll have good luck? Well, one day at school I picked one up. And the next day, I was suspended from school for a week for getting in a fight.
Brian: Did you win?
Dominic: Yes.
Brian: Well there's your good luck!

Brian: So my friends and I were talking about eating babies one day...
Dominic: What?!
Me: I've had those conversations before. Multiple times, with different people.
Dominic: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not.
Me: Seriously. I think everyone's talked about eating babies at least once.
Dominic: That cannot be true. Hey Keith, have you ever talked about eating babies?
Keith: Yeah.
Dominic: What?!
Brian: Hey Chris, have you ever talked about eating babies?
Chris: ...Eating what?
Brian and me, together: Babies.
Chris: ...No...*Leaves*
Brian: So anyway, then we'd shout out to each other across the campus, "EAT BABIES!"...

Me: I have to tell you this. Last night, I dreamed that you were a horse rancher...
David: What?
Me: And all the other managers kept asking for pony rides.
David: Why were you dreaming about me?
Me: I saw you yesterday!
David: Oh, right. So I was a horse rancher and the other managers were asking for pony rides?
Brandon: Well, David...if you were a horse rancher...Would you give me a pony ride? I have to know.
David: Hm. Yes. You're a good man.

Justin: *Sneezing and coughing*
Me: Do you need some Alka Seltzer cold & sinus gel caps? I have some leftover from when I was sick.
Justin: No thanks.
Me: What about that cough? I have some Mucinex.
Justin: Do you have a whole pharmacy in that fanny pack? You're like, "Whaddya got? I'll fix you up!"
Me: Yeah, I'm a dealer. I know a guy who knows a guy.
Justin: "It'll just cost you fourty dollars!"
Me: And your watch!
Justin: Aw, man. I don't have that much. How am I gunna pay?
Me: You'll just have to do sexual favors for my friends down the block.
Justin: Well!
Me: Oh, sorry. Does that count as sexual harrassment?
Justin: I don't know. ... What do your friends look like?

"Their make-up-to-clothing ratio is too top-heavy. I do not find them attractive." - Daddy

"If I did lose my middle finger, I could give people the finger, and they wouldn't know. They'd be all, 'Why is he making a fist at me?'" - Evan

"How can you tell who's the bride at a dwarven wedding? She's the only one with bows in her beard." - Daddy

MochaKimono: you're Jason?
MochaKimono: I thought your name was Mike
Logic Potion: Yeap
MochaKimono: Well I just called some totally random stranger and told him my phone number, then.

"Today at school because they're doing a job fair they had a police K-9 unit come in for the Criminal Justice people. When the cop showed up with the Dog people BOLTED and peeled out of the parking lot, thinking OH SHIT DRUG SNIFFING DOG!!!!! It was a BOMB sniffing dog." - Ian

Kid walking by Nord's Games: Hey look, NERD'S Games!
Jeff: Gee, how witty. It's almost like I don't hear that five times a day.
(This, too, happened remarkably often.)

"We are reporters! We are going to accuse you of unspeakable acts! Are to going to admit to any of them?" - Daddy

"The greatest weapon the world has ever known is 13 years old and thinks you're the coolest." - Rob

MochaKimono: Have my babies.
AnarchyDeath: I cant
AnarchyDeath: Ima girl

Daddy: You attract more flies with sugar than vinegar.
Mommy: Actually you attract more flies with poo.

"What is the respawn rate of the Iraqi soldier?" - John

"It is the most affectionate dog I have ever seen. Unfortunately it regards affection as a martial art." - Jeff

Girl: I wish I had a PS2.
Me: You could always steal one.
Girl: No! That goes against my religion!
Me: Well, yeah, mine too.
Girl: Are you Christian?
Me: No, I'm actually a member of an obscure, video-game-worshipping cult based in Timbuktu.
Girl: Whoa, seriously? Wait a're lying to me, aren't you?

"I told you to read the warning label tattooed on my ass." - Heather

"It's penguinanimous!" - Daddy

"I need to suck less." - Chip

Me: It's been one of my great goals to be in someone else's dirty dream.
Me: Okay, I won't give details, but I'll tell you who he said was with whom (up to you to guess what they were doing).
Me/Julia/a few extras
Jamie/a potload of other chicks/Chip
You/'Beefy Bubba'
Colin: me? wtf
Me: Just kidding. I just wanted to see your reaction.

Me: I woke up at 10:30 today and I didn't fall asleep in my chair!
Daddy: Alright!
Me: I just realized how sad it is to have that as a goal.
Daddy: It is terrible.

"I woke up, which made me angry." - Chip

"What level do I have to be to make a spaceship?" - Sid

Sid: Why'd you capture me? I didn't do anything wrong!
Will: You blew up the world!

"Let's speak 'kitty'!" - Dick

"I start doing a pole-dance around Tommy's corpse." - Dick

"First name Big...last name Johnson." - Sid

"I break into the jail on my giant undead octopus, run up to you, spit ink in your eyes, and run away smuggling the kitty under my arm." - Dick

Me: Tommy, you've been raffled off to Uncle Bob for the night.
Tommy: What?! I didn't do anything!
Me: That's what you get for leaving to play Halo 2 last time.

"It's not so much a family tree as a family thornbush." - Amanda

Daddy: Hey Joelle, hand me my hat.
Me: *Reaches over, grabs his hat from next to a bag, hands it to him.*
Daddy: *Tosses it onto the bag.*
Me: If you wanted it on the bag why didn't you just ask me?
Daddy: Hey Joelle, put my hat on the bag.
Me: It's already on it.
Daddy: ...then shut up. XD

Me: *hugropespankiss*
Blu3M4g3: pan?
Blu3M4g3: span?
Blu3M4g3: oh
Me: yeah, I'm panning you.
Blu3M4g3: I was wondering if it was a new innuendo I don't know about

"No fair! I want a manga version drawn of me being anally violated! I mean...did I just say that out loud?" - Colin

"Have fun in your cookie bag." - Tolanto (char)

"This is one of those times when I could throw you all in a bag, shake you up, and still not get a total IQ of two or more digits." - Ablica (char)

"It's just how things work. Birds fly, fish swim, James gets tortured." - Ablica (char)